While attending College I have experienced many incidents that would have torn a normal person apart. I don’t know if I have been wired differently than everyone else but at the end of the day, no matter how horrible, each situation makes me laugh. Analyze that as you will, I am generally a happy person who can adapt to anything, but my luck seems to be wavering. When everything starts to go my way, I open my mouth and ruin it. I am curious to see what people’s intentions are regarding their relationships towards me and because I waste no time, they quickly reveal that I shouldn’t trust them, shouldn’t be with them, and they aren’t ready to give me what I need. Being a girl who knows what she wants isn’t easy. Yes, it’s helped me separate the good and the bad people from my life, but it’s also eliminated my sense of belief in that there are good people out there waiting, there is that great guy waiting to find me to make me his girlfriend, and there is a purpose to all of this learning. But in my short 20 years so far, learning is all I seem to be accomplishing and it is making me restless. When is the day when this learning stops and my heart stops breaking and I can finally rest knowing I can trust the people I pour my soul into? If it were soon, it wouldn’t be worth it. The journey I will take you on will be all about the people I like, love, and hate and what I choose to do about each situation that builds these feelings.
Today, right now, in this very second, I am confident, strong, and pissed off. I had built some feelings for a kid, and when I say kid I mean he acts like a child, who is extremely affected by himself. With some recent local success with his band he has infants running after him begging for him to just treat them like the insecure little girls they truly are. But the lover of underdogs that I am, I knew he was too messed up and affected by this little fame, I decided to give him a shot. We called him beanie baby the first week, and by the second we called him dinner ditcher and by the end of that week I was done giving him chances and called it three strikes you’re out. But the very next day, a 180 happened and he asked me to lunch, took me on a date to dinner and he was back in the game. On the next day he cooked me dinner and didn’t kill me, which was a plus, and we kissed. The very next day we napped together and he kissed me on my nose, and wait for it…my forehead! And on Thursday he came over and I knew that I definitely was in like with this kid. Spring break came along and we spoke everyday and he had wished me a safe flight, told me he couldn’t wait until I got back and was very considerate and sweet. I came back that Sunday and he rushed right over to my house where we hung out for four hours. But being myself, I don’t waste time, and I don’t want to let my guard down and go any further if I don’t know his intentions so I simply state, “I don’t want to move any further with you if I don’t know what’s on your mind.” I apparently said the wrong thing to this fragile boy because he expressed how messed up he was from his last relationship, bullshit, that he didn’t want to get burned again, bullshit, and that he wasn’t ready to give all he could offer to me or even be in a relationship, BULL-SHIT. He then asked me not to hate him, which I didn’t since you can’t hate someone for hurting themselves. He kissed me goodbye, I kissed him back and he left. The next day he avoided me and blamed it on his own personal issues, nothing to do with me, Bull-Shit. And just like that I was done. I told him that I wasn’t asking for a relationship and I wasn’t giving him an ultimatum, I was simply seeing where his head was at for my own benefit. I told him that I did want something serious, but I didn’t know him well enough to know I wanted it from him and if we were to continue this and I develop feelings and he doesn’t feel the same I would just say let’s be friends. He couldn’t take that, my easy going approach definitely scared him off being that girls throw themselves at him, follow him, and cry over him. After many conversations with my mom, best friends, and inner monologues I decide, I will be friends with this boy and nothing else. What if he were to flake out after he decided that I was worth actually giving a shot? I would be burned and he would be fine because he is damaged goods. I don’t think so. And that’s how it’s done ladies, you don’t waste time, you don’t try to make a guy fit your mold if he can’t, you simply think, “well that was fun, but now I’m done and ready to move on.” Dr. Seuss would be proud.